Confession time, I’m a recovering people pleaser. For me, people pleasing was wired into my subconscious from an early age, then reinforced by societal norms and expectations.

Growing up I was taught to stand up for myself and what I believed in (which I did, many times) but in the same breath, challenging or opposing societal norms wasn’t something that I remember observing very often. I’m not exactly sure where or how it happened, although I can easily access a few examples of observing it in action, but I created a belief that if I opposed something too much, or if I disagreed too heavily with someone’s opinion, I would be disliked or cause irreparable damage and a friendship or relationship. In my mind, it was much easier to say yes, and people please than it was to say no and risk losing that social security it gave to me.

But I was then, and still am, a doer. I enjoy mucking in and getting shit done. Growing up I was always first to put my hand up to help. It didn’t take long to notice how positively people reacted when I said do. I won’t lie, I enjoyed that validation. People knew I was a safe pair of hands if they needed something to get done efficiently and effectively.  This created a scenario that saw me saying yes more than was necessary and it became so ingrained, such an auto-pilot response that it flowed out of me like water from a leaky faucet, effortless and almost involuntary.

That trend continued throughout my teenage years and into adulthood. But while I had all the time and energy in my teens and 20’s, my 30’s rolled around and into the mix came a husband, 3 children, starting a new career, co-owing a business, growing my own business, sport, pastimes, and we can’t forget the insurmountable mental load females carry at this stage of our lives (that’s another whole blog in itself!). I had probably tripled my load without amending how often I would say yes.

And with that mismanagement, came pressure. Pressure that yes, I put on myself. Pressure to continue to do it all and still take on more. Pressure to try to be everything for everyone, be involved in all the things as often as I physically could. I was on autopilot and saying yes was easy.  Yes, I have a minute. Yes, I can help, yes, I’ll volunteer, yes, I’ll take on that new project, yes, I’ll come out. The thing is, yes is easy. There’s no resistance. No one is ever disappointed when you say yes, there’s no struggle or conflict, no feelings at stake when you say yes. 

No, on the other hand, no is hard. As a people pleaser, even the thought of saying no could trigger feelings of guilt that I would be letting others down or disappointing them. I would have to fight the internal desire for approval and likeability, and you can’t forget the dreaded FOMO. The fear of missing out on the experiences, jokes, fun, upskilling or networking opportunities. There’s also the internalised pressure/competitiveness I felt to do well in every aspect of my life and not to mention the possibility of opening myself up to conflict if I said no (and let’s face it, no one jumps out of bed each morning amped for a day filled with conflict). And I can’t forget my then long-held belief that I might irreparably damage a relationship if I say no, or that others would think less of me, or I would be perceived as being selfish.

But the reality is, we can’t, and absolutely should not, keep listening to our 12-year-old selves. So fast forward to now, and while there wasn’t a single light bulb switching on in a dark room, illuminating everything with sudden clarity moment, that made me wake up to my overloaded reality, there were a couple of warnings that got my attention. The regular occurrence of migraines may have one, alongside the realisation that every time I was saying yes, I was actually also saying no to something else. Sometimes it was as simple as giving up precious time spent with my children or husband or having to turn down bigger opportunities because I had already said yes to less significant ones. At times it was saying yes to spending time with people who didn’t fill my cup at the expense of the opportunity to recharge my social battery at home in the quiet with a good book.

So, if what you’ve read so far resonates with you and you’re also now wondering why the hell you say yes so often or still feel the need to please others rather than prioritising your own well-being, energy or sanity, then below is a few ways I have successfully started my people pleasing and ‘yes’ recovery.

 

1.   Pressing pause before I respond. Through practice, I’ve become pretty competent at pressing pause to assess what a situation requires of me when the stakes are high or the situation has the potential to negatively spiral.  Pressing pause to assess when the situation is positive however, has and still is one of my work on’s. When there’s an exciting opportunity, a creative idea, or a chance to socialise my brain can still switch to auto-pilot and the “yes” has been known to come out before I can actually take the time to consider if I have the capacity to do it. Coupled with my love of helping others, I have found myself in a few situations where I have had to put my tail between my legs, apologise and withdraw my commitment (a pretty shitty feeling). I have learnt that pausing creates the value time I need to get clear on what I really want and actually have the physical space to do. It’s also helped clear the belief my 12 year old self had.  

 

2.   Getting crystal clear on my goals, personal and career philosophy and core values. This required a weeklong pause. But by creating this pause I was able to clearly define what I want to achieve this year, what my personal and career philosophies are and if or how my core values of impact, growth, and connection link back to all I say yes to. I now have a clear plan to make it all happen and a true internal compass to ensure I’m headed in the right direction. Nowadays I (mostly – no one is perfect) press pause before I say yes to see if it aligns with my values, but also if it will contribute to me achieving my goals for the year. If it doesn’t, or if I know that the situation isn’t a guaranteed fill my soul cup situation, it’s a no from me.

 

3.   Being around the right people. I know I bring this up a lot, but it’s because it is so pivotal. Get those right people around you. The ones where you can say no and they are proud of you for doing so. We are our own toughest critic, and we need others around us to remind us sometimes that we don’t have to do it all. Being around the right people means they cheer you on for saying no, rather than expecting you to say yes while sitting on their hands. They look out for you and call you out when maybe you’re creeping back to bad (yes) habits. With the right people there’s no judgement when you say no, no snarky comment, just celebration of a woman setting boundaries by saying HELL NO to a situation that doesn’t serve her positively or align with her goals and values, and a big fat FUCK YES to ones that do.

Side note: as a way of celebrating International Women’s Day today, I am offering 50% off 1:1 coaching sessions to new clients. So, if you’ve always wanted to, or been on the fence about working with a life coach, now is the perfect time to dive in.

Bookings essential and limited spaces available (but I do offer Sunday’s for all you busy women)

Email: paula@thementaledge.co.nz to book your slot.

T’s and C’s:

For new clients only

Valid for one, 1:1 session only

Coaching session must be redeemed within the month of March, 2024

Cost of session with discount applied = $65