I have always made friends easily. I played sports, I captained teams, I was head girl of my secondary school, I was a top athlete, I experienced success, I felt connected and knew who I was. This trend continued through my teenage years, my 20’s and early 30’s, all the way until I had children.
Like many others who prioritise being a Mum, I had unconsciously started to link my identity to that of mother, wife, colleague, and house maker. I had forgotten about the most important aspect of identity; Me. I felt disconnected and I was lonely (even when I was surrounded by other people). I had a supportive husband, but I craved those deep female friendships where you can bear your soul without fear of judgement. Who uplift and empower you. I call these my top tier friendships*.
And then I read something that profoundly changed me.. Connection with others, will only ever be as deep as the connection we have with ourselves. This was my light bulb moment, and it was shining on full beam.
With this light bulb moment came the realisation that it was up to me to create these connections, but that first I needed to reconnect to my true self, but first I needed to reconnect with my true self.
It was time to practice what I preach so I leant into all the tools I use as a life coach and got to work on re discovering who I was. I also spent considerable time getting clarity on who I wanted to be moving forward. First and foremost for me, but also for my husband and children; especially for our two daughters (did you know the single biggest influence in a girl’s life is their mother? Pretty big huh?)
And so, my journey to self-acceptance and love began. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, there were times that were confronting and scary, but I knew that if I wanted to grow, I needed to experience this discomfort. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
It took time, energy, and effort. But on the other side it was also rewarding, fulfilling, and enlightening.
And I couldn’t have scripted it better if I had tried. Because on the other side of that work, I found the most amazing group of empowering, inspiring and soul lifting women that have had a profoundly positive impact on my life.
Ultimately, I believe the connection I re created with myself, allowed me to open up a whole new level in my life. I was ready to reciprocate what I needed and as such, my universe was open to welcoming in exactly what I wanted.
There are times now that I feel almost guilty about the amazing women I have in my life. I feel blessed and my life is deeply enriched for it. I am happier, healthier and more confident. And I want all women to be able to experience this level of happiness.
So, if you are struggling with connection, here are some tips to create deep connection and strong relationships:
1. Get clarity on who you are and what you want. If you don’t know where to start, ask. Be vulnerable, be honest, don’t stop until you have the clarity you need.
2. Be genuine and authentic: Be yourself, show your true personality. Authenticity allows others to connect with you on a deeper level and builds trust. If someone doesn’t like you as you, they don’t deserve to be in your circle.
3. Have the courage to make the space we need: As we grow and mature it’s natural to re-evaluate what we want from friendships. This may mean that we grow away from some friend and towards others. There will be time when some friends who used to be top tier slip to middle or even bottom. Know that this is ok. What’s most important is that we are happy and flourishing.
4. And remember:
“True belonging does not require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are” – Brene Brown
*Top tier friends are the ones who you leave them in a better state than you arrived. You walk that bit taller and feel that bit lighter from being in their presence. We also have middle tier friends; ones that you leave in the same state as you arrive. Nothing bad, but, nothing amazing either. Then of course, you have the bottom tier friends. We leave these people in a worse state than we arrived. They drain our energy and they often take without contributing anything back to us.
Comments