Grab your favourite beverage and let's have a heart-to-heart chat about something that's been weighing on my mind lately: mum guilt. As working l mums, I know many of you can relate to this complex and often overwhelming concept. So, I wanted to dive a bit deeper into it and help unpack what it’s all about.
Now, one of the most common sources of mum guilt for professional mums is the decision to return to work after having a baby. Years on, I can still vividly remember that heart-wrenching feeling of leaving my children with others when I returned to work. Our second born got me the best. She would start to cry as we neared day-care and the sound of her cry felt like a sucker punch to my stomach. Even though I knew she would be fine 30 seconds after I left, seeing her face looking back at me, questioning why I was leaving her tore at my heartstrings. I couldn't help but feel guilty for entrusting her care to someone else. That line of thinking would continue all the way to work and often last the day; was I doing the right thing? would she grow up thinking I didn’t love her enough? would she resent me for choosing my career? was my absence going to negatively impact her development or her love for me? Phew it was all consuming at times.
Not only was I battling guilt for leaving my children, at that stage I was also facing the extra layer of guilt that I had initially taken a pay cut to pursue my dream career. Was I jeopardising their future by putting my needs and wants first? It took a long time to shake that one and I was lucky because I was pursuing what I loved and had an intense passion for. But I know there’s other mums that feel disheartened to be pouring energy, time, and expertise into jobs, that don’t translate into the financial gains or positive impact on their lives they want.
In the earlier days I also got caught in the ‘comparison canyon’. That feeling that others were doing this career/motherhood juggle way better than I was. They looked like they had it all together, yet there I was, at the bottom of the canyon, feeling stuck and trapped by my thoughts and guilt and second guessing myself and my decisions.
As the kids got older, I thought the mum guilt would subside. But no, it just adds different layers. The big one for me was the guilt I felt when I got home from work. After a long day I can struggle to find the energy to be fully present with my children. The constant “mum's" and battling for my attention can be intense. And I get it, they had missed me too and want to spend time in my presence, but it’s a lot. Sometimes I need that time to decompress and unwind. But I feel guilty that I have already spent a day away from them and ‘should’ want to spend as much time with them now as I can. I also feel guilt that I don’t like engaging in imaginative play with them. (I’m even feeling guilty writing that, so please tell me I’m not the only one that struggles with this?) I want to love it, to fulfil that pre kids image I had of what I thought I would look like as a mother, but I just can’t. Especially after a day at work.
But what I’ve learnt through experience and being honest with those in my inner circle, is that mum guilt is normal. We love our children fiercely, and it's natural to feel torn between our professional aspirations and our desire to be present for them and be the best mum possible. But even though it is normal, that doesn’t mean that it must make us doubt our ability as good mum. What we need to do is examine WHY we are experiencing mum guilt.
Plain and simple, it’s because we love our kids so deeply and want the absolute best for them. But I think the biggest contributor to mum guilt is societal pressures and outdated beliefs around what a ‘good mum’ is. These were still persistent in my mind in those early years with children. Even though I knew times had changed and more mums are returning to work after children, I still felt that choosing a career somehow diminished my worth as a mother. It felt like I was being pulled in two directions, torn between my desire to pursue my career and build my business, and my fear of being seen as an inadequate mother. That external pressure weighed heavily on my heart, exacerbating the guilt I already felt.
But when I break it down and talk about it, I know that I don’t have to be present every minute of every day for our children to know that I love them. I know that if I prioritise time for myself after work or in the weekends to decompress and unwind, I am a better and happier mum for it, and that’s what’s important. I know that my kids aren’t going to love me less for not engaging in imaginative play, because I connect and engage with them in other ways (doesn’t stop them asking though!). I know that I am more than capable of prioritising time with them that is fun for all of us and therefore, more enjoyable and meaningful. For me, that might be playing a game of uno, going for a family bike ride, watching a movie together, coaching or supporting them playing sports or having one-on-one desert dates. And yes, sometimes work creeps into home life and I might snap at my kids when they are asking a thousand questions and I’m trying to get that last email out or reschedule that client, but that doesn’t make me a bad mum. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don’t and that’s ok. I don’t need to be perfect because my kids think I am for me.
Being a good mum is about being intentional in carving out time to be emotionally available and creating meaningful connections when we are together. But above all, it is about ensuring that our children know they are loved. By prioritizing our time, energy, being clear on what’s really important, and being present in the moments we do have with our children, we're giving them something invaluable – a front row seat on how to be a badass professional and a kickass mum at the same time. When we show them that, we empower them to do the same in their own lives.
So, let's release ourselves from the shackles of guilt that society, our own expectations, and the expectations of others place upon us. Let’s get clear on what’s important to us and our children.
So, cheers to you all, amazing working mums who are navigating this complex journey. You're doing an incredible job, and don't you ever forget it.
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